If you've studied or read about quantum physics, you know that an underlying theory is that we all are a part of the whole, that we are connected in some way. In other words, what we believe and do affects those in our areas of influence. Whether or not we believe the theories of quantum physics, it is true our behavior influences those around us, for good or for bad.
The truth is that most of us are self-centered. That may seem harsh but I doubt few of us have often sacrificed for others to our own hurt. In good times and bad, in the United States at least, we are after what is good for us and what makes us happy.
There is a principle in the Bible called "sowing and reaping." Some churches have used that principle to motivate people to give and to fill church coffers. Whether some admit it or not, sustaining their church or organization is at the root of the teaching. Self-centered was the word I used above. Even if the motive is to serve constituents, the end does not justify the means.
The principle of sowing and reaping, interestingly, is a natural law, like gravity for example. It works in both positive and negative ways. It works whether we believe it or not! How we treat and relate to others today, mirrors how we'll be treated tomorrow.
I know someone whose entire life has been focused on themselves, on their desires and needs. This person does think about others' needs, and even tries to serve others from time to time. Underlying the things the person does, however, is their focus on what they can get back for themselves. This is self-centeredness!
We have to learn how to be "others-centered." Our motives to serve others must first come from a genuine desire to make positive contributions in our circles of influence, not from a desire for personal gain. Yes, it means giving up some of our own desires. The end result is, however, that we will get back more than we give!
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Saturday, November 21, 2009
The Danger of False Expectations
Some of us don't enjoy communications with others. It may result from our behavior style, a dislike of interaction with others, control motives, our business environment or a hundred other reasons. Whatever the reason, a common result is false expectations of the behavior of others.
When we fail to get the other side of the story, so to speak, most actions we take are centered on ourselves. We look at things from our own point of view and, even though we may spend considerable time thinking about a situation, our actions almost always include expectations of the the response of others. Because these expectations are generally shaped from our own perspective, the responses of others are often different from what we expect.
For many years when I had a business decision to make or when my wife and I faced a significant mutual decision, I'd think about the situation, resolve my concerns and then decide what to do. Once I'd decided, I told my wife what I, or we, were going to do. It took me a lot of years to recognize she needed time to process the situation and my decision. My expectations were that she would just go along with me, and those were false expectations! I'm a little better now but not completely cured!
As you might expect, decision-making in our home usually had pain connected with it! That's the danger of false expectations. When we've determined in our minds what another person should do in response to our plans, it's rare that our self-centered expectations will come to pass. Whether it's a husband and wife team, a business team or other groups of people working toward a common goal, communication and personal interaction go a long way to eliminating the negative results of false expectations.
Post a comment and share how you handle these situations.
When we fail to get the other side of the story, so to speak, most actions we take are centered on ourselves. We look at things from our own point of view and, even though we may spend considerable time thinking about a situation, our actions almost always include expectations of the the response of others. Because these expectations are generally shaped from our own perspective, the responses of others are often different from what we expect.
For many years when I had a business decision to make or when my wife and I faced a significant mutual decision, I'd think about the situation, resolve my concerns and then decide what to do. Once I'd decided, I told my wife what I, or we, were going to do. It took me a lot of years to recognize she needed time to process the situation and my decision. My expectations were that she would just go along with me, and those were false expectations! I'm a little better now but not completely cured!
As you might expect, decision-making in our home usually had pain connected with it! That's the danger of false expectations. When we've determined in our minds what another person should do in response to our plans, it's rare that our self-centered expectations will come to pass. Whether it's a husband and wife team, a business team or other groups of people working toward a common goal, communication and personal interaction go a long way to eliminating the negative results of false expectations.
Post a comment and share how you handle these situations.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Valuing People
I spend a lot of time in hotels and airports while traveling for my work. A lot of the time my mind is on an upcoming event, meeting my deadlines or just getting to my destination. People pass me by and often their presence doesn't even register with me.
The custodian removing trash from the bins, the airline agent behind the ticket counter, the maid in the hallway, the groundskeeper sweeping cigarette butts from the sidewalks or the businessperson hurrying down a concourse all have value. They have value in what they do but, most of all, they have value as people.
The problem is many people have lost sight of their value. Life can be hard and it's not often we have another person express their appreciation of who we are. Telling another person what you like about them is an interesting experience. I had that opportunity last week with a number of young accountants in one of my seminars.
After I finished expressing my appreciation for each one individually, one of the men shared he realized it was time to pay attention to some of the things he needed to change about himself to be a better person. Another man shared he hadn't realized a major strength of his personality. A young woman had tears in her eyes as I spoke my recognition of attributes she longed for others to see in her.
Whether they admit it or not, deep inside everyone wants others to like and appreciate them. We have the opportunity to give bouquets to every person we meet! Post a comment and share an example from your experience of offering appreciation to others.
The custodian removing trash from the bins, the airline agent behind the ticket counter, the maid in the hallway, the groundskeeper sweeping cigarette butts from the sidewalks or the businessperson hurrying down a concourse all have value. They have value in what they do but, most of all, they have value as people.
The problem is many people have lost sight of their value. Life can be hard and it's not often we have another person express their appreciation of who we are. Telling another person what you like about them is an interesting experience. I had that opportunity last week with a number of young accountants in one of my seminars.
After I finished expressing my appreciation for each one individually, one of the men shared he realized it was time to pay attention to some of the things he needed to change about himself to be a better person. Another man shared he hadn't realized a major strength of his personality. A young woman had tears in her eyes as I spoke my recognition of attributes she longed for others to see in her.
Whether they admit it or not, deep inside everyone wants others to like and appreciate them. We have the opportunity to give bouquets to every person we meet! Post a comment and share an example from your experience of offering appreciation to others.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Taking Offense is a Choice
On my flight to a seminar today, a person behind me kept getting out of their seat by grabbing the top of my seat and pulling themselves up. Each time the person did so, my head was snapped back and forth by the movement. Trying to work, I was interrupted each time. In my younger days, this and other annoyances caused me to take offense...quickly. The result was a sarcastic comment that either wounded or infuriated the other person and caused verbal strife.
It's taken me years but I've finally learned that I can choose to get angry or not. We usually get angry because we want to. We usually take offense because we want to. Whether it's hurt feelings, wounded pride or asserting our rights, the result is almost always some form of strife. Strife is the best way I know of the spend energy negatively. Strife can cause high blood pressure, ulcers and every manner of illness known to man. Strife hinders our ability to think clearly and react properly. Whatever wounds and hurts we've stored in our hearts comes out during strife. Strife makes us like a tube of toothpaste, whatever is on the inside comes out when we get squeezed!
What can we do to stop before we get there? First, we can decide not to enter into strife and stay at peace. My wife started doing this years ago and it probably saved our marriage. Not entering in will involve walking away from a situation for a time, keeping our mouth closed, using soft instead of harsh words and, for some of us, asking for God's grace to help.
Rarely does much positive come out of strife. Whatever does could likely be achieved more quickly and with much less energy peacefully. If resolution of strife isn't possible, leave it alone. Usually in a short time both parties realize their "bad" and difference are easily resolved.
Aside from the "baseball bat approach," what is your favorite way of avoiding offense and strife? Post a comment and share.
It's taken me years but I've finally learned that I can choose to get angry or not. We usually get angry because we want to. We usually take offense because we want to. Whether it's hurt feelings, wounded pride or asserting our rights, the result is almost always some form of strife. Strife is the best way I know of the spend energy negatively. Strife can cause high blood pressure, ulcers and every manner of illness known to man. Strife hinders our ability to think clearly and react properly. Whatever wounds and hurts we've stored in our hearts comes out during strife. Strife makes us like a tube of toothpaste, whatever is on the inside comes out when we get squeezed!
What can we do to stop before we get there? First, we can decide not to enter into strife and stay at peace. My wife started doing this years ago and it probably saved our marriage. Not entering in will involve walking away from a situation for a time, keeping our mouth closed, using soft instead of harsh words and, for some of us, asking for God's grace to help.
Rarely does much positive come out of strife. Whatever does could likely be achieved more quickly and with much less energy peacefully. If resolution of strife isn't possible, leave it alone. Usually in a short time both parties realize their "bad" and difference are easily resolved.
Aside from the "baseball bat approach," what is your favorite way of avoiding offense and strife? Post a comment and share.
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